I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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