Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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