woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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