Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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