My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
