Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
