Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
