last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
