You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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