my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
