Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
