The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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