Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
