from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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