just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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