She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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