today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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