Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
