I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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