I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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