my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
