Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
