did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
