remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
