not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
