So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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