Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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