if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
