Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
