I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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