We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
