True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You dont lie about slip and slides
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
