Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
