Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
