I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Randomize
