you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
