Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
