I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
