And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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