everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
