Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
