I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
