I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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