Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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