i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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