Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
