So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
