the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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