So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
