he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
