Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
