The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
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