my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
